You drive me mad (but I love you too)
by Cookies and Ink
Summary: James had always loved him. It just took Sirius time to realise he felt the same way - time, a paint splattered wall and nearly destroying everything they had.


**A/N:** Any and all prompts/challenges are listed at the bottom as always. A huge thanks to the people who beta'd this, you're amazing.

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 **You drive me mad (but I love you too)**

James hated feeling manipulated.

He checked the map again, telling himself that he was not being paranoid, and then slipped through a crowd of third years huddled together and quite clearly just _in the way_. The fact that he had to skulk around his own school to avoid his best friend was becoming absolutely ridiculous and yet that's what Sirius was making him do.

They'd had a fight about Sirius' behaviour, about how far he took it with antagonising everyone. James knew that his best friend wanted him back. If Pads had just come up to him and said he was sorry, James would have considered it. But instead, Sirius was making offhand remarks, trying to pass him notes in class and being altogether immature.

For Merlin's sake, they'd nearly blown half the Potions Classroom up after Sirius had stroppily slung a load of ingredients into the cauldron willy nilly.

James was not going to make the first move.

He was never going to do that - to be some pawn in Sirius' guilt tripping, clingy, mind games. Sirius had to grow up and understand why James had a problem with all the shit he kept pulling.

' _What changed? You used to love messing with that greasy…'_

' _Maybe I changed, Sirius! Maybe I've grown past this!'_

That had been the last proper conversation they'd had in ten days and it hadn't been a conversation; in fact, it would have come to blows if Remus hadn't stepped in.

Peter had tried to be a mediator, telling James to stop being so stubborn. He wasn't sure what Peter might have said to Sirius, but either way, it didn't seem like Sirius had listened. Remus had had to go home because his Mum was sick again and James had written him countless letters but was determined to sort his own problems out.

 _How are you going to sort things out if you're refusing to even speak to him?_

James ignored the voice in the back of his head. He had a strategy, which was to wait Padfoot out. James might be stubborn, but Sirius was impatient. He was going to crack soon. James would not make the first move.

James was on his way to the Astronomy tower; it felt like the last place he'd run into anyone. His Mother's voice told him he was running away from something — hadn't James been running away from a lot of things lately?

Abruptly, seeing Sirius' name on the map, his whole long term plan of waiting for Sirius to come to him, full of apologies, now understanding why James had been upset with Sirius' constant childishness, faded away.

This was his school. He wasn't going to sneak around, pissed off and ignoring his best friend.

They were Gryffindors and this time, there was no Remus to break them up if it came to a fight.

"Sirius!"

His voice echoed off the corridor walls when he got there and Sirius abruptly dropped the paintbrush he'd been applying to the wall.

"Oh, Potter... It's just you."

James saw red. Not just because of the painted words dripping on the wall, a vivid shade of cerise that reminded him of cherries, red roses, the colours of desire — James stopped that train of thought as soon as it started. That was dangerous territory he wasn't allowed to consider. He forced himself to remember why he'd been angry as Sirius all too deliberately avoided his gaze.

"Potter? You've never called me Potter since the first time we met on the train. Are we… Is that what we are now, Sirius? You're really going there?"

Sirius scowled and bared his teeth slightly, mimicking Padfoot.

"You're the one who's been giving me the cold shoulder for weeks, after I did absolutely nothing to deserve it — "

"Nothing to… Sirius, you cursed Snape so he'd be stuck, naked, on the toilet. Mate, that's a step too far for any of us. and we already decided, since we're in sixth year now, we are growing up past that."

Sirius laughed harshly, his hands curling into fists. "We didn't decide that. You did. You decided everything had to change because of Evans."

James felt stung. He pushed the pain away and focussed on how Sirius said Lily's name, on how furious he suddenly looked.

"It was the right thing to do; I think we're better than that now and Sirius, honestly, this whole angsty, dramatic thing you've got going on, I'm sick of it. I was waiting for you to come to me, to apologise. I explained myself, I told you exactly why I was mad at you and all you've done is sulk and act like a — "

This time, it was Sirius who cut James off. He closed the distance between them, and James thought for a moment that his best friend was going to punch him.

Instead Sirius grabbed James by the shoulders and pulled him closer, until they were nose to nose.

"How can you say that? You don't know what you're talking about," Sirius hissed. "I can't explain to you, you wouldn't want to bloody hear it. So why don't you just fuck off Potter. Go find Evans and talk to her about it."

"She's literally got nothing to do with it," James snapped, trying to push Sirius away but Sirius just laughed loudly again.

"She has everything to do with it! She's the one who's replacing me, who's taking you away!"

The silence rang in James' ears and Sirius looked immediately horrified, letting go of James and turning away. That's what made James move and he took a step forward, grabbing Sirius' arm and turning him back around.

"I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm an absolute wally," he said softly. "No one's ever going to replace you Sirius. You're my best friend, my brother."

Sirius' face twisted, looking pained - it was not the reaction that James had been expecting.

"What? Sirius, talk to me."

There was a long pause and James prepared himself for Sirius to just close off. That was how he always dealt with things, he clammed up and getting any information out of him was almost impossible; he was even worse than Remus.

Instead, Sirius took a steadying breath and pulled his arm away, taking half a step back.

"I don't want to be your brother, not anymore."

It would have hurt less if Sirius had punched him. James's vision went abruptly blurry and he told himself he wasn't going to cry, he hadn't cried in years, not since the healer's had told his Dad it was only a matter of time and all they could do was make him comfortable.

"James, I love you."

James hated feeling manipulated and once again he found his emotions shifting, going from shock to something like anger — it had to be anger, what else could it be? Not hope, he couldn't dare to hope. Not after what happened three years ago when James had crawled into Sirius bed in the dead of night and whispered about his feelings.

Sirius had recoiled in horror, pushed James away, told him that he'd never _be like that_. James had never mentioned it again and he thought that he'd come to terms with it but Sirius' recent mood swings and behaviour had left him feeling as though the person he had long cared for was just using him, using his feelings to ensure James forgave every poor decision or reckless act.

For him to say those three words, after everything that had happened, it made James' head spin.

"I can't do this."

Before Sirius could even react James had taken him by the hand and pulled him a few feet down the corridor to an empty classroom.

"I'm not," James continued, "having this conversation in public when you've got a half finished random prank right there. One thing at a time. Say you love me again, and if you're messing with me somehow or just trying to get me to talk to you again I swear Sirius I will curse you and our friendship will be…"

Sirius cut him off, shaking his head furiously.

"I've been stupid, okay! I know I have, but you kept hanging around with Evans and talking about how great she was and all I kept thinking was that I'd lost you. I know, I don't have any right to say this, I pushed you away and now you've moved on but —"

James let him carry on rambling for a while longer. Sirius was an idiot, James had known this for a long time. They were going to have to talk about it, about how they each handled emotions and what any of this meant; yet James couldn't bring himself to care about any sort of rational thinking.

"I love you too. I always have."

That shut Sirius up mid sentence as he apologised for the third time, his grey eyes wide. James fought a smile, he was always proud of being the one person who could shock Sirius Black.

"Oh well… okay then."

"I forgive you too, although we'll have to talk about it at some point," James continued, smiling slightly wider as he watched Sirius try to pull himself together.

"But not now because?" Sirius drew the words out uncertainly.

"Well, mainly because I'd like to kiss you, if we're going to do this and you're up for it. But also because it hurts me, as the Head Marauder, that there's a half finished prank outside."

"You're not the Head Marauder Prongs, no one agreed to that," Sirius said immediately and then, that cocky smile that had always driven James mad was on his face. "Kissing I can do though."

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 **A/N:**

This fic has been entered in:

\- QLFC Round 13, I am **Beater 1** for the **Montrose Magpies**. Optional prompts used were: 'desire' and 'strategy' (as well as main prompt and the word pawn)

\- Hogwarts Assignment #9: Duelling Club - Task 1

\- Hogwarts: Love in Motion Round 9 - James/Sirius


End file.
